Who, What, Where ... ?

 I went on a retreat at the beginning of my senior year at Boston College called Halftime. Usually you go on this retreat at the start of the summer after sophomore year so that you are at the “halftime” of your college career and can reflect on where you’ve been and where you’re going. My retreat was only for seniors who had not gone on Halftime before and were getting ready to face what we like to call the real-world. The emphasis was to tell us that we didn't need to figure everything out right away - that we could take experience after experience to make new life decisions - as opposed to missing the only one train that would lead us to our fulfilled life destination. I remember the guest speaker highlighting three questions to help us figure out what to do next: Who, What, and Where? Who do you want to be with, what do you want to be doing and where do you want to be living? You only need to know one. Don’t stress yourself out about knowing all three … just chose one and the others will follow.

I often think about these three questions when I evaluate where I am at and where I am going. This year has been about “where?” for me. I decided to come to Lombardy, Italy because I wanted to be in Italy for the cultural and linguistic exchange. The “what” of teaching followed as a secondary objective and although engaging and rewarding, it’s still really just a means to get “where” I want to be. Lastly, without ties of a romantic relationship at home, this year seemed like the perfect time to again be elsewhere and see "who" might follow. Before I even decided on Italy, I knew that regardless I wanted to be somewhere different; in a new city with a new place to explore and people to meet.

It makes me a little angry when I think of the book and movie Eat, Pray, Love where the main character has a huge group of friends in Italy sitting around the Thanksgiving day table by the end of her stay. She spent four months in Rome and immediately had friends. How? Oh yeah, she had a list of people to contact from friends at home. Even more, she took an English class for foreigners and so met other foreigners living in Rome wanting to learn Italian and Italians wanting to participate in a language exchange to learn English. Right, pick up and move to three different countries out of the blue for a year to find yourself - but only with pre-arranged contacts first.

Like I mentioned in a previous blog, we are attached to what we already know. It's hard to move forward because we know nothing about a brand-new experience. Yet, had I found an unknown city in the United States, I imagine there would be other recent-graduates doing similar work with whom I could connect through family and friends either from high school or college or my job. Either way, some kind of structure be it family, a college network or an office, would be helping me out. You wouldn't think that a culture itself would get in the way of meeting people and establishing relationships, but I've learned differently. Whenever I meet someone for the first time and explain who I am and what I am doing, their immediate response is: but you're so young! You must be the same age as your students! In fact, my students in the last three years of high school range from ages 15 - 22. Yes, I am 22 and I have some 22 year-old students. High school is five years long and usually college is also five years long. At the earliest, an Italian graduates from college at 24; more often than not, they take more time. Their system also doesn’t allow for the four-year liberal arts or general undergraduate degree. If they want to study medicine, they don't spend four years and then four more, they begin in medical right away and take 6 - 8 years to complete the full coursework. Similarly for other professions. The other American in Brescia joked that Italians seem to age from 18 to 35 in a matter of years and it's true! I either find high school-ers or 35 year-olds and everyone in between is living at home and studying without time to make new friends.

Think back to college. Did you have many friends who were not in college that you just met by chance? Absolutely not! You're too busy studying and being at college. At this point, I do have some friends whom I met though Patrick's host family who are currently in university. And yes, I can relate to them and it is nice to have some people at my age compared to my 28, 35, and 43 year-old roommates. Some of them are younger than me and some are older, but I've already graduated and they are still studying. It's really just a cultural difference. If we want to know the age of someone in the US, we might think back to the year they graduated college and that would give us an idea of their age and how long they have been working. An '06, '08 or '10 graduate. When my Italian friends talk about their age differences, they say the year they were born. I'm '84, '86 or '88. I'm really not in the same professional situation as any of them and it's very difficult to understand and explain. It's not that I'm saying the "who" of my year is lacking, because I have met some really wonderful people and learned a lot from our differences. At the same time, it's a challenge to always be surrounded by people so culturally different than me and where I am in my life.

With that being said, I do spend time with the other assistants in Lombardy in person and in conversation online. We all crave for someone who understands what we are doing and can relate to our experiences. I don't really have "peers" in Brescia. So, I really enjoy connecting with other assistants for various trips or activities. It’s just nice to speak to someone who understands why I already have a degree at 22 and actually thinks that it is normal. To speak to someone who can make and understand cultural comparisons because they also experience both sets of customs. As I think of those three questions in reference to my year here so far, I know that the "where" really outweighs the "what" and "who." It's the sacrifice you make for a year knowing that you're getting a lot out of the question on which you do focus. 

Inter Milan v. Chievo Verona Soccer game with other Americans